He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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