i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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