this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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