My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
