if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
