I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
