im six kinds of drunk right now
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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