I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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