I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
