cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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