if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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