I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
