I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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