And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
