I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
