i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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