he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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