so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
