Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
