I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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