I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
