I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
