everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
