is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
