i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
