OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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