Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
