gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
