i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
