I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Alive.
So much puke
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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