remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
