One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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