I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
