Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
