I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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