Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Found the puke drawer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
