i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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