By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
