Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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