i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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