Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
