I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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