Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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