I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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