I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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