Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
