i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
