The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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