Your dad touched me again.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
