i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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