is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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