He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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