in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am available for nakedness
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